Somewhere Along In The Bitterness
by Notjustanotherperson
Summary: Karofsky has stepped up the bullying on Kurt, who can't stand it when he sees Rachel brushing off everything thrown at her. He starts pushing her away and discovers that it was just a facade. Will it be too late to apologize?
1. Chapter 1

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness_

Kurt walked into William McKinley High School, dragging his feet through the doors and towards his locker. He was tired. Exhausted. He had always been bullied by the jocks but lately, David Karofsky had stepped up on the insults, the slushies, the dumpster dives, the threats...

His thoughts were abruptly cut off as he was sent flying into the row of lockers on his left and onto the floor. The sound echoed through the bustling hallway and he felt a sharp pain erupt in his shoulder as he drew his knees up to his chest.

"Watch it, fag!" He heard Karofsky yell over his shoulder as he stalked off, exchanging high fives with Azimio before disappearing round the corner. Kurt tried to stop the tears welling up in his eyes as he brought his tightly clenched fist onto the floor below him, letting out a muffled cry. He couldn't take it anymore.

Suddenly, a tiny figure knelt before him and placed a small hand on his shoulder. "Kurt, are you alright?" A high pitched voice asked. Looking up, he found himself face to face with Rachel Berry, her big brown eyes wide with concern. He forcefully shrugged off the hand and stood up, glaring down at the brunette in front of him.

They had been friends for a while but each time he saw her strut down the hallway, brushing off every mean word that came her way, he felt something boil deep inside him. A burning anger at the fact that she could take everything anyone threw at her and still stay so confident, so self assured. He hated her. That's what he told himself.

"Go away, Rachel, I don't need your help." He snapped at her, watching as her eyes filled with shock and hurt at his sudden outburst. "I was merely showing concern for a friend and trying to lend a helping hand!" She quickly defended.

"A friend? We're not friends, Rachel." Kurt laughed humourlessly. The small brunette furrowed her brows in confusion, scrunching up her nose slighlty as she listened to his words, each one stabbing her in the heart painfully. "What are you saying, Kurt? Of course we're friends." She said nervously.

"And what gave you that idea?" He said, angrily. "I-I just thought that after everything these past few weeks, the sleepovers, the karaoke nights..." She trailed off, looking to the ground as tears welled up in her eyes. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Kurt was and had been her only friend and now she had done something to screw it up.

"Well, you thought wrong. No one could ever be friends with someone like you." He said, staring at her with disdain. The intense pain and heartbreak he saw in her expressive eyes caught him off guard and he had to turn away, knowing that he had been the cause of it. He heard her sniffle softly behind him and the boy fought hard to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat.

"K-Kurt, I'm sorry if I did something to offend you but please...you're my only friend, I can't lose you." Rachel said in an uncharacteristically quiet voice, watching helplessly as the boy vanished in the sea of students.

Kurt sighed as he stepped into the toilet. He knew he had hurt Rachel badly. Over the last month or so, he and the small diva had gotten very close and he realized that under the big words and annoying personality, she really was just a lonely girl who longed for a friend and now, he had suddenly snatched that away from her without any explanation.

Still, he pushed away the guilt eating at him and told himself that she would be fine, she was strong. He wasn't. A fresh wave of jealousy hit him and he took a deep breath before leaving for class.

When Kurt arrived for glee club, for once, Rachel was late. The door opened and he watched as she walked in, head held high, jaw set firmly, however, her eyes were red and swollen, her cheeks slightly puffy. She had been crying.

As she moved to the center of the room, seemingly to make an announcement, he watched as the club began to tear the small girl apart and for the first time, he could see a change in her eyes. They were getting to her. Maybe they had for a while, he just never took the time to notice, he realised.

"That outfit is atrocious. You'd think two gay men would be able to dress their daughter better than a toddler." He added, averting his eyes when Rachel's met his. They were brimming with unshed tears. Kill or be killed, he told himself. The brunette had remained silent for the rest of the class and yet, he couldn't bring himself to say anything.

**A/N Thanks for reading, please review! The song is How to Save a Life by The Fray. This will be a two shot and the next part will be up soon!**


	2. Chapter 2

One month, three weeks and five days. It had been one month, three weeks and five days since the day Kurt had thrown his friendship with Rachel back in her face. Every day, he would see her in the hallway, her file tucked safely in front of her chest, her head ducked in an attempt to disappear into the sea of students. The one time he had managed to catch her eyes after a slushie, he immediately felt his heart pang painfully at the resignation, the brokeness that filled them but he fought hard to push the feelings away as he turned back to resume his conversation with Mercedes.

He watched as the glee club attacked her, tearing her apart as they threw insult after insult in her direction. He only noticed some of them had escaped from his mouth after he had spoken and would clamp his lips together, stopping himself from uttering anymore hurtful words but the damage had already been done. Tears swam in Rachel's deep brown eyes and he would meet her gaze, trying to convey how sorry he was, yet, he couldn't bring himself to actually say the words.

He knew why and he hated himself for it. Bullying her, it made Kurt feel like he was in power for once. It reminded him that he wasn't at the bottom, that there was someone below him and he couldn't do without that, not when Karofsky made him feel helpless and worthless every single day. It helped him keep his sanity at the expense of hers.

He loathed himself. He was becoming one of them, the very thing he despised the most and he hadn't done anything to stop it. He was going to change that. It had gone on for too long, he had observed the small brunette turning into a shell of her former self. Her eyes no longer held the emotion and burning passion they once had, her skin was pale and her lips were hardly ever upturned in a smile, a genuine one at least. He just hoped he wasn't too late.

Rolling off the bed, Kurt retrieved his handphone from his desk and sat down on the comfortable cushioned chair. Leaning back, he carefully dialled Rachel's number, an action that seemed so foreign after not having done it for so long. His heart was pounding in his chest as he waited anxiously for her to answer. It rang once. Twice.

"H-hello?" He heard her say shakily.

"Rachel?"

"Kurt? Why are you calling me?"

"Hey, I just...I wanted to..."

"Kurt, I mean no offense but I'm rather busy at the moment."

"Oh. Could you meet me tomorrow at the cafe? 8 am?"

He heard her hesitate slightly, clearing her throat before she spoke again. "To-tomorrow? Erm...sure. I'll see you there." He swore he could hear the tears in her voice and was about to question her when she cut him off.

"Look Kurt, I'm really sorry, but I have to go. Bye." He sighed as the line went dead and he couldn't help but feel that there was something in the way she spoke. Something in those words that meant so much more. Putting the handphone back down, he lay back down on his bed, mulling over what he was going to say when he finally spoke to the girl again, how he was going to apologize to her and make it up to her. Slowly, he slipped into a peaceful slumber for the first time in weeks.

* * *

><p>Kurt glanced nervously at his watch, sipping at his coffee.<p>

_8.05 am_

Rachel was five minutes late. He frowned. Rachel was never late, if anything, she was early but she would never stand for tardiness. He leaned back in his chair and waited.

_8.11 am_

He tapped his foot against the table leg, trying to shake the feeling of unease. Calming his restless leg, he picked up his phone and called Rachel. He waited, his heart sinking with each ring until it went to voicemail and he placed it back onto the table with force. He exhaled shakily. Where could she be?

_8.14 am_

Taking the last drop of his warm drink, he took his bag and left. Deep down, part of him knew that Rachel probably didn't want to talk to him, he wouldn't either, not after all he had done. Dragging his feet to his car, he got in and started on his way home. However, instead of turning onto the road that would have taken him back to his house, he kept going straight until he ended up in front of a familiar house,

Rachel's house. All the times he had been there, music could be heard playing or laughter would ring out from within the white walls but this time, there was a heavy silence. Kurt felt a shiver run through him. Something wasn't right.

Swallowing hard, he walked to the front door and knocked firmly on the wood. He heard shuffling inside the house and soon, the door opened to reveal Leroy Berry. The first thing Kurt noticed was that his eyes were puffy and swollen, his nose was red and tear tracks were visible on his dark cheeks.

"Mr Berry, what's wrong?"

"Kurt, something's happened." The tall man said quietly, choking back a sob.

"Is it Rachel?" Kurt asked, silently praying in his heart to whoever was out there that he was wrong but his heart plummeted as Leroy gave a slow nod before collapsing against the doorframe, breaking down in tears as he held his hand over his face.

Was he too late?

**A/N Thanks for all the reviews! This story has turned out differently from how I had envisioned it, but I'm glad people are enjoying it. Please review and tell me what you think! There'll probably be one more chapter.**


	3. Chapter 3

Kurt was numb. He couldn't recall how he had ended up in his bed. All that rang in his head were Leroy's words.

"_We...we found her in the bathtub...they tried to revive her...but...they think it was suicide..." The tall man had managed through his sobs. Kurt felt his knees buckle under him as he fell to the floor, tears cascading down his pale cheeks as he absorbed the news._

Kurt shook his head. He vaguely remembered his dad pulling him into a tight hug, whispering comforting words into his ear as he too, cried, Rachel having been a daughter to him. A letter had been given to him by Leroy and he noticed his name was written on it in Rachel's neat handwriting but the rest had passed in a blur.

Suicide. The word resounded in his mind. It couldn't be true, he had just spoken to her the day before, they had even agreed to meet in the morning. He hadn't apologized yet. He felt the warm tears roll down his cheek as he released a sob. She couldn't be gone.

How could she have killed herself? A wave of anger rushed over him and he picked up the glass on his bedside table and flung it at the wall, pieces of glass scattering the floor as it exploded upon impact. Why did she have to leave before he had the chance to say sorry, to apologize for all he had done? He buried his face in his hands as the anger was quickly replaced with an overwhelming sense of guilt. It was all his fault, he had driven her to it.

Looking at the small, innocent white envelope beside him, a heaviness settled in his heart. Turning it over, his fingers hovered over the flap, shaking, but he couldn't open it. He didn't have the strength to. Flipping it once more, he held the letter to his chest, sinking lower on his bed. They were the last words he would ever have from Rachel, the last connection he had to her. Pushing the side with his neatly scrawled name tightly into his chest, he screamed into his pillow, muffling the heartbreaking noise.

The pillow began to grow damp with his tears and he turned his head to the side only to see a photo of the glee club on his bedside table. In the picture, Kurt had his arms around Rachel's shoulders, both with equally bright smiles on their faces and his chin was resting affectionately on the top of her head. He squeezed his eyes shut as an unbearable pain filled his heart. The happy memories were too much to handle.

_Kurt opened his eyes slowly, sensing another presence in his room. Lifting his head, he spied a small figure walking towards him. _

"_Rachel?" He asked breathlessly._

"_Kurt." She said as her face came into view. The first thing Kurt noticed was that she looked happier than he had ever seen her, she looked...at peace. She was no longer pale, her eyes weren't tired, her cheeks were tinged pink and her lips were curled into a genuine smile. _

"_Rachel..." He whispered in disbelief, a lump forming in his throat._

"_Rach...I'm so sorry! I'm so, so sorry! It's my fault, I shouldn't have left you! Please Rachel, forgive me, please...I'm so sorry." He repeated over and over again as he stood and immediately fell to his knees before her, clutching at the ends of her white dress as he became overwhelmed with emotion._

"_Kurt, stand up." Rachel said gently, helping Kurt to his feet before gazing into his eyes. Seeing her warm brown eyes again caused the tears welling up in his eyes to spill over. They were so beautiful. She lifted her small hand to his cheek and wiped the water from them, smiling softly._

"_Kurt, I forgive you. I knew you were stressed about Karofsky, I never really blamed you. It hurt but I never blamed you, in my heart, you were still the closest thing I ever had to a friend." She said softly as Kurt shook his head. He didn't deserve this._

"_No!" He yelled, pulling away from her. "You don't understand, this is my fault! I should have been there for you, not helping to tear you down! You killed yourself because of me!"_

"_Kurt, I didn't commit suicide." Hearing this, Kurt wheeled around to look at the tiny brunette, shock and confusion written on his face. "What?"_

"_I was planning to, before you called me but then I wanted to wait until after our meeting. I wanted to see if you would apologize or if it was only my wishful thinking. It was an accident, Kurt, I was in the bathtub when I slipped and hit my head. I passed out. It turns out I didn't want to die but I'm happier now than I've been in a long time." She said, beaming at Kurt._

"_I-I don't understand..." He muttered. _

"_It turns out they have a zero tolerance for bullying." She joked but Kurt didn't laugh. Moving closer to him, she reached out her arms and pulled him into a tight hug. "It was an accident, Kurt, don't keep beating youself up over it. Everything happens for a reason, it was just my time to go. I'll miss you. Please read the letter, I wrote it before you called. Tell my fathers that I didn't kill myself, I don't want them to remember me like that." She whispered into his ear as he closed his eyes and sank into the embrace. He put his arms around her, stroking her silky smooth hair, running his hand gently over her back as he tried to hold on to that moment. "Of course."_

"_Thank you, Kurt, for being my friend. Those times we shared were some of my best memories. I'll be waiting for you." He heard her soft, melodious voice and held her tighter, not willing to let her go. He breathed in her apple scented body wash and kissed her on the cheek, trying to memorise how she looked, how she felt, how she smelled. He wanted to remember everything about her._

"_Don't go."_

"_I'm sorry, I have to. Goodbye, Kurt."_

"No!" Jolting awake, Kurt opened his eyes but Rachel wasn't there. He was in bed and tears had stained his , he sat up and looked at the letter still clutched in his hands. Taking a deep breath, he held it shakily in one hand, lifting the flap with the other. He reached in and pulled out a folded sheet of paper covered in writing. Unfolding it, he gathered his courage and read. Rachel had told him to.

**Dear Kurt,**

**if you're reading this, it must mean that I am already dead and in some sense, you cared for me. You were my only friend or I thought you were. Recently, I've began doubting that our friendship was ever real. I know you're going through a difficult time, but I thought friends supported each other during times like that, when the rest of the world was against them. I guess I was wrong. I must have been a bad friend otherwise you wouldn't have started bullying me again. I'm sorry if I did something wrong.**

**If by some chance you did care about me, I want to apologize for taking such a cowardly route. I always thought that those who killed themselves were weak but now, maybe it's just because it was the only choice, the only way to escape a miserable existence. I'm not strong like you and I have admired your resilience for so long. I want you to know that.**

**Lastly, I want to thank you. You made my life better, for a while at least, and I wouldn't have lasted for so long without you. You've hurt me badly in the past few weeks, worse than any of the others because you were supposed to be my friend but I need you to know it wasn't your fault. They did so much more than you ever have. **

**I wasn't strong enough, Kurt, but I want you to hang in there. I know you'll be able to make it to New York and when you're on the Broadway stage singing your heart out, I'll be there cheering for you. Do it for both of us, okay? I know you can.**

**Love,**

**Rachel***

Kurt continued to stare at the letter in his hands, reading it repeatedly until he noticed stains appearing on the paper. Bringing a hand up to his cheeks, he wiped furiously at his tears, surprised that he could still cry after all the tears he had already shed.

He felt something lift in his heart. The guilt and regret still remained, but it had lessened. Putting the note away, he brought his knees up to his chest and folded his arms before burying his head in them. He was still crying, his heart still pounded painfully, he still felt incomparable remorse for his childish actions. It would get better, just not yet. Maybe not for a long time.

"I promise." He said silently into his arms as sobs began to wrack his body yet again. "I promise, Rachel, I won't let you down. Not this time."

**A/N Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! I'm so glad people have enjoyed this as much as I have writing it and I hope you liked this chapter. Originally, I planned to have Rachel really commit suicide but I changed it in the end. Please review and tell me what you thought or if you want an epilogue or something! I wasn't sure if it seemed rushed. Once again, thanks and remember to review!**


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